Love is not about finding the right person, but about being the right person by Bryant McGill

Listen, I know it is hard when you feel alone. There are many types of alone too. There is the type of alone where your life is empty with no real friends or loves. There is also the type of alone where your life is full of people, and yet you have no deep and meaningful connections or passion. Then there is the type of alone where people are coming and going and living their lives, and you feel like an invisible observer in an intersection, watching people who are happily passing by, living the life you think you want. Real loneliness can seem like a slow death, where you watch the flower of what you have to offer wilt, and the petals drop one-by-one unnoticed. Then there is the worst kind of loneliness; a feral type of desperation that leaps at every person who pays attention to you and will not let go. The healthy and happy people you want seem to run for their lives, while the damaged, lonely people grab on with equal desperation in a bizarre death-spiral into the darkest of the dark.

But have you ever considered another type of loneliness; a good and healthy, happy loneliness? Do you dislike yourself so much that you can’t stand to be around you? What? It’s boring you say? Let me tell you, if you are bored it is only because you are a boring person. Oh, you just want some companionship? That seems reasonable. Are you a good companion to yourself? Loneliness is really a wonderful companion that can show us so much about ourselves and others. Loneliness will give you the greatest chance of ever having a beautiful relationship with another person.

If you put a couple in a room together, those two people, as the only creators in that room, have the power to create a literal heaven between those four walls. So why do so many people create a hell? Let’s simplify and remove one of the people. Even one person, alone in a room will often create a living hell for themselves. They will fill the space with their doubts, fears, addictions, blame, worries and desperation. Have you ever been that person? Being alone will show you who you really are, and if you cannot get-on positively as the sole master of your space in that room alone, then you can absolutely forget about it after you add another person. You had better start practicing being happy when you are alone.

Nothing is worse than being constricted in passion, love, and raw potential when life could be so rich and beautiful by working as a cooperative team with a loving companion. Not having a solid partner in your life can intensify life’s struggle. You can only go so far alone. No one person can do it all. But to get a solid partner you have to be a solid partner. You can only attract and keep what you are, or lower. You must elevate yourself to the level of your higher hopes. Sure. You want to be touched, inspired and made to feel alive. But a relationship is like a bridge where you meet other people half-way. That means if you want to be touched, inspired and made to feel alive, you have to be touching, inspiring and bring the fire of your aliveness to the union of your companionship. You must live what you wish to receive. Because we are always growing, life compounds and magnifies what is already within us. If you are miserable you grow in misery, and if you are joyful you grow in joy. This makes self-love the perfect soil from which to grow love.

You see, people have some really crazy ideas about love, friends and relationships. They have the absurd belief that their friends, children, family, lovers and companions can make them happy. Love is by, for and about you, and it never had anything to do with another person. The love you bring to the table, is a way of living that you have been practicing in your life — and that love can be needy, controlling, selfish, conditional and desperate, or it can be confident, open, giving, unconditional, and secure. Your love capability is something you cultivate within yourself. Loving is like any other art-craft where the masters have carefully practiced and where the novices have languished in their carelessness. This is why some relationships look so beautiful, and some look so tragic — beauty belongs to the thoughtful; tragedy to the neglectful.

If your life is like a tragedy it is because you have been neglecting something — most likely yourself. All those happy people you see, they know something you don’t know. They know about a balanced type of relationship where they are selfish for the sake of others. You have to learn how to take care of yourself. Who you need, is you. It was always about, and for, you. You’re the one you’ve been looking for; you complete you. If you have never found yourself, the best place to look is in your loneliness, and rock-bottom is even better. Quit looking “out there” for that magical “something” or “someone” to come and rescue you from your tragic loneliness. Do you want to know what people love? People love passion; they love people who are happy in themselves; they love people who are going places and doing things; people love people who are confident and secure, but most importantly people love most those who love themselves. Love is not about finding the right person, but about being the right person. If you get love and attention that you are not ready for, it will not fulfill you the way you imagine. We sustain our loving relationships by loving ourselves. We are only fulfilled by love when we ourselves are filled with love. If you want the perfect relationship, start with the one you have with yourself.

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